Barely Publishable- Episode I: Pilot


Greetings students, locals, relatives and travellers of the interweb; my name is Jacob Bilsky and this is Barely Publishable, a journey into my perspective, now innuendo free! Introductions aside, let’s get to the column stuff.

Under the rising sun, they dart from the forest. Dozens of them raid our properties daily, poisoning our dogs, looting our grain and ruining our lawns. Just six hours before I wrote this, they gave my mother a figurative heart attack charging our homestead in a great line. All residents of Maine know of this scourge… the Turkish Marauders.

Barbarous birds, turkeys have no regard for hygiene, doing their business on our lawns. These guerilla warlords live in uncivilized clans, dwelling in the woods.The wasteland they leave in the wake of their incursions serves as a minefield for humans and a case of Monteturka’s Revenge for their fur-covered companions. Turkey-kind feasts upon crops and birdseed alike, hopping over fences and knocking down feeders. To put it simply, they are the bane of the simple landowners in Maine.

Turkeys are among the greatest problems Maine has seen in years; yet politicians have ignored them. Occasionally the brave citizens of this state take up arms and fight back, but they only knock off a few of the universal enemy, allowing them to come back. Like the Great Emu War, removal of this species has been near impossible and our battle seems lost, but I have heard your anger my good Mainers! As a common citizen without political ties, I can fix the evil of turkeys, rejuvenating Maine’s exceptionalism!

My strategy is simple (and the best):

  1. First we gotta kick all the turkeys out of Maine. They’re wastrels, trespassers and I’m positive that one or two came from good eggs.
  2. Next we need to secure a perimeter around Maine; once we get them out, we need to keep those feathered fiends away. We’ll build a giant fence. Those beasts can fly to the tree tops, so we must build our chain-link aegis twice the height of the trees with a barb-wire crown, and there will be a vast gate for letting a few of them in. Did I mention I build the best fences?
  3. Finally, we as Mainers, must remain vigilant against the threat. We must spend a miniscule credit of 1×10^6 dollars to successfully keep them out. We need a bunch of guards, a whole army of men patrolling our border.
  4. And then we must pat ourselves on the back, moving on to the deportation of those wicked stinging bees.

A turkey free Maine would be lovely. I don’t think we’ll miss anything about those birds… except maybe their delicious cuisine on Thanksgiving, and the fact that they can be raised alongside chickens to protect your egg-laying brood from more vicious beasts. In addition, turkeys eat insects on our lawns and fertilize the grass for free, saving money and time in the garden. When you think about it, the turkeys do a lot of jobs most of us really don’t want to do ourselves, not to mention the massive ecological collapse that would occur if we just purged such a species from the environment.

I guess I don’t want the turkeys gone. It may solve a couple problems short term, but at what price a few years from now? Turkeys cause problems, but we do as well by ruining their habitat and luring them from their homeland to our more prosperous world. The best way to solve the turkey menace is to learn to work it out and find a way to reap the rewards of a healthy turkey population. Even if we hate turkeys, purging them from our state and country all at once doesn’t help anything. It ruins their lives and further complicates ours.

So the next time someone yells about blindly annihilating turkeys, remember that those birds contribute to our society and ecosystem just as much as you. This has been Barely Publishable, a column free of innuendos– but not double meanings.