The real problem in school hallways

Public Displays of Affection is a major problem in High Schools

Colby Perron, Staff Writer

Romeo and Juliet, Cinderella and Prince Charming, Jack and Rose; We get it, after spending most of your lives idolizing these icons of love, you feel the need to recreate their famous kissing scenes while you are standing in the hallways of public school. However, we at BHS The Roar have a simple request for all of you… Just stop it!

No matter what time of day it is, when walking down the main staircase onto the main floor of BHS, you are almost always guaranteed to see a couple smothering their faces together as they entangle each other in loving embrace. Unfortunately for many of the culprits, this is one extracurricular activity that we prefer not see.

We, The Roar, believe that what you are doing is outright disgusting. We would rather not see two high schoolers who claim to know love only prove it with the purely primeval pressing of lips together. Instead, we have created a simple system of rules to put in place to allow all of our lovebird peers to continue to enjoy each other’s company without performing an episode “Days of Our Lives” in the middle of the hallways.

Rule number one is that no kiss should last more than two full seconds. Why such a short time? Because, it’s the maximum amount of time that we agreed would allow for everyone to get out their saliva spilling love without completely interrupting our brisk stroll down the hallways of the high school. In fact, in one single five second kiss, researchers in Amsterdam discovered that somewhere around 80 million bacteria are transferred from person to person. Now keep in mind, at 80 million for a five second kiss, that would equate to about 16 million bacteria per second, meaning that in a two second kiss, you are effectively invited in 32 million bacteria from the lustful lips of your lover. Haven’t you ever heard that your mouth is the dirtiest part of your body?

Rule number two? Keep the kissing secluded. We get it, it’s a competition. Y/ou have to see how long you can hold your breath while enveloping your significant other’s mouth with your own while surrounded by others doing the same. For such a competition, first of all, we commend you for your oxygen regulation abilities. Perhaps you should focus on a career in underwater welding? But anyway, is the bottom of the stairwell on the main floor really the place to do so? You may think that it looks only like a lover’s passionate embrace, but really, it just looks like you’re trying to get the food scraps out of each other’s teeth, and sorry, when we have to get to lunch, that’s the last thing you want to see. So just go find yourself a quiet place where you won’t be interrupting a casual walk to class.

Of course, there is your side of the story. You are star-crossed lovers who must relish your time together before cruel fate separates you. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, that “cruel fate” is just precalc, you’ll see each other in like 90 minutes. Plus, don’t act like you’re not snapchatting each other cutesy pictures of yourselves the whole time. Also, yes, you have “freedom of speech rights” (no seriously, I’ve heard this one before) but it’s really pretty hard to say anything while you’re magnetically connected to your girlfriend’s face where you can’t separate until every strand of saliva has been switched to the opposite member. Your right to kiss in public is your right, but luckily for us, we’ve taken journalism, and unfortunately for you, you lose a lot rights in school!

Now what solution can we come up with together? All of us who don’t want to see your activities, and all of you who want to partake? Unfortunately, I don’t see a lot of wins for either side coming out from a peaceful resolution. Really, all we ask is to keep it down to a minimum or if you really have to make out, do it somewhere where you’re not churning whatever it is was served in the cafeteria. The food can do that by itself.

We can’t lie, PDA is disgusting. Holding hands and hugging, that’s fine, but the minute you press mouth to mouth and hold it there for more than two seconds, you’re crossing a line. Remember that privacy that you want from your parents when you’re at each other’s houses and take it to school with you (but of course, just the desire for privacy) and find yourself a quiet place to smooch. Nobody wants to oppress your love, but I think most of us can agree, nobody wants to see it.

Now that that’s said, I call for everyone fed up with this to carry around dog training spray bottles full of water as we purge the halls of the saliva smoochers once and for all!